Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Dwelling on What's Missing - Lessons Learned -Gratitude

There is brightness and light amidst the pastel leaves of those past their prime. Life is still full and rich.

In my last post, I was dwelling on the dying part of the Fireflag scene. At the same time, I spent a large portion of the day dwelling on what's missing in my life with Sam, as Parkinson's does its ravaging on him. What's missing every time I get in that state is the Gratitude for, and acknowledgment of, what is good in our lives.

Sam's balance is great, his walking fine. We took a great walk around our neighborhood tonight... nine-tenths of a mile is the route and we had fun looking at rabbits in the dark and, frogs on well-lit driveways, geckos on a garage door. Sam even responded to some questions.

What's always present is our love for each other and, especially, Sam's unconditional love for me, no matter what I do, how temporarily nasty I may get.

For this and so much more, am I grateful.

Fireflag - Life and Death - Mourning

A spotted leaf catches my eye,
As we walk in Wakodahatchee Wetlands
I zoom in really close
and see all kinds of patterns, holes and all kinds of decay, also.

I step back and go for the color
Too mooshy and scattered, like my life right now.

Time to focus in
I like this one. It's stately and expressive
In its half-dead, yet showing life state.
There is a fully live leaf and
Even though shadows are cast,
it remains bright -
Strongly contrasted with all the death around.

Is this one the Dance of Death?
It looks very lively, swirling
and at the same time, peaceful
Despite the dark hole of the unknown.

I love the softness of the faded colors which
Simply look mellow not dead.
The light does it, I suppose.

A little character in the upper right,
Guards the entrance to the dark space.
He/it looks quite at peace peace with it all.

Looking more closely now
It almost seems like a tiger's head resting there.

Can I, too, be peaceful and at rest?

As I chose photos for, and wrote, today's Picture to Ponder, I wondered how much of my reasponses were colored by my frustration and anger at Sam's not being able to talk to me. He can speak and I keep thinking, or operating from, that he is purposely refusing. My head knows my judgment is incorrect and yet I keep agitating me and, undoubtedly, him too.

The bottom line is I miss my companion and lover from our first 41 or 42 years together. Though we've now just marked our 47th wedding anniversary, it's not the same.

This Parkinson's Disease with which he is afflicted is an insidious disease AND I realize that my anger, my screaming my yelling is even more insidious. How to shift is the ever present question.

Time for a walk. I'm thinking that's really at the root of my raging today is my dwelling on all of this. Time to move on to Gratitude.