Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Fireflag - Life and Death - Mourning

A spotted leaf catches my eye,
As we walk in Wakodahatchee Wetlands
I zoom in really close
and see all kinds of patterns, holes and all kinds of decay, also.

I step back and go for the color
Too mooshy and scattered, like my life right now.

Time to focus in
I like this one. It's stately and expressive
In its half-dead, yet showing life state.
There is a fully live leaf and
Even though shadows are cast,
it remains bright -
Strongly contrasted with all the death around.

Is this one the Dance of Death?
It looks very lively, swirling
and at the same time, peaceful
Despite the dark hole of the unknown.

I love the softness of the faded colors which
Simply look mellow not dead.
The light does it, I suppose.

A little character in the upper right,
Guards the entrance to the dark space.
He/it looks quite at peace peace with it all.

Looking more closely now
It almost seems like a tiger's head resting there.

Can I, too, be peaceful and at rest?

As I chose photos for, and wrote, today's Picture to Ponder, I wondered how much of my reasponses were colored by my frustration and anger at Sam's not being able to talk to me. He can speak and I keep thinking, or operating from, that he is purposely refusing. My head knows my judgment is incorrect and yet I keep agitating me and, undoubtedly, him too.

The bottom line is I miss my companion and lover from our first 41 or 42 years together. Though we've now just marked our 47th wedding anniversary, it's not the same.

This Parkinson's Disease with which he is afflicted is an insidious disease AND I realize that my anger, my screaming my yelling is even more insidious. How to shift is the ever present question.

Time for a walk. I'm thinking that's really at the root of my raging today is my dwelling on all of this. Time to move on to Gratitude.

1 Comments:

At 3:38 AM, Anonymous dottie said...

Shelia,

i loved todays pictures and your post. It took me back to a time in my life that i could only see the bad and not look beyond them to see all the good that i had. I love hiking and connecting with nature and have for many years but a few years ago, really hated the winter as all i could see was that all the plants and leaves were dead or dying and there was no colors only greys or browns. I was also dealing with my spouses disabilities and feeling sorry for myself that i had to give up alot of stuff because he was not able to do it anymore because he was effected by MS. I would also get very frustrated with him and yell and say some really not nice things to him. I dont remember the exact quote or who said it but i heard or read something that told me to go out into nature and really focus on the trees. When I did i found that there was color..in all the different shades of gray and brown in the bark, the different shapes and design in the bark. Also,there was beauty in the design of the bare limbs against the sky, and also there was hope as occasionally some green would poke through the dead leaves on the ground showing that the life cycle was continuing in its ever present circle. I started looking at my life also in that circle..yes my spouse was no longer able to go for walks in the woods with me or any other physical activity but there was still so many things we could do together mentally or emotionally..like discuss world politics or a book we had both read. We still had that connection and i started taking pictures of everything interesting that i seen on my walks, so that i could share it with him. We had been married about 25 years at the time, with the beginnings of our marriage as him being the strong, macho man and me being the independant, fragile female. But our life had come full circle with me having to be the physically strong one and him being dependant on me, just as nature comes full circle every year.

 

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